A Pearl of Wisdom from My Mother
My mother has a hobby. Some moms are really into knitting or cross-stitch or collecting dolls. My mother has honed her skills so that she can spot a hooker on the street.
"It's all in the purses," she says, sagely. "Prostitutes don't carry purses. Think about it, it makes sense. Someone could steal their purses while they walk the streets."
My mom has made hooker-spotting a hobby. When she drives down into high crime areas, she likes to guess which women walking the street are actually hookers.
I remember driving down Lake Avenue toward Lyell with her once.I believe we were going to the VOA thrift shop. She was keeping a tally of how many hookers she saw. I tried to play her game.
Me: (gesturing towards a blonde woman wearing a hat and jeans) How 'bout that one over there?
Marlene: (making her disgusted face) No, Kim! She has a purse. She can't be a hooker.
Me: Well, maybe she needs to carry stuff around with her.
(Marlene just snorts.)
Hooker-spotting must be an acquired skill because I am not good at it. However, Marlene's hooker-spotting instincts have been passed on to my brother, Pete, who claims he saw a hooker not too long ago.
Me: How did you know she was a hooker?
Pete: Well, this van stopped on Driving Park and this woman ran up to the driver side window.
Me: Maybe she knew the person.
Pete: No, she was maintaining eye contact with the driver.
Some mothers teach their daughters home skills like knitting and cooking. My mother has tried to teach me the valuable skill of spotting a street walker.
Celebrity Poker Showdown
My mom bought my dad a Texas Hold 'em poker set for Christmas. It is not a spectacular set with all sorts of chips--it's just a deck of cards and enough chips for maybe a few people. We started playing games, like Balderdash, on Christmas Day. Mark and I left to go to visit his side of the family. According to my father, the Texas Hold'em set was taken out after Balderdash and a new gambler was born.
Dad said Mom got really into playing Texas Hold 'Em. She doesn't really know what she's doing; she doesn't know a straight from a flush and I highly doubt she would know if she had a full house. Dad said she took the 'Dealer' chip (you are supposed to put it in front of you when you deal) and claimed it was worth $10,000 so she could stay in the game.
The following Monday, I invited my father and brothers over to play Texas Hold'em. When my father stopped by my mom's to pick up the Hold'em set. She started asking him questions like where he was going with it and what was he doing. She seemed genuinely disappointed that someone somewhere was playing poker without her.
To assuage her feelings, I decided to put together the Coniff-Rouleau celebrity poker tournament on New Year's Day. Mark, Dad, Patrick, Katie,me and Marlene played. We even broke into another set of poker chips so we had enough for everyone to stay in for awhile.
One of the issues I have playing poker with some of my family members is that they know not what 'poker face' means. My mother kept trying to get my sister to show her her cards. When Marlene had a good card in her hand, her face instantly lit up. She would also ask questions, so that you knew what hand she was planning. Marlene held onto the dealer chip tight because, she claimed, it was worth 10 million dollars. When she finally threw it into the pot, we all said, "Ooohhh."
I told her, "You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run--."
"Yeah, yeah," she said, ignoring the words of Kenny Rodgers.
Although my mother was able to dazzle us with her lack of card playing abilities, she lasted halfway through the tournament. Mark ended up winning the tournament.
On the way home, Mark asked me, "So, how long do you think your mom would last in Vegas?"
I told him, "About a half hour. But that would be if she gambled away the house and her car."
I think my mom is looking for more people to play Texas Hold 'em with her.
