Marlene's Treasures
My mom and I went to the beach the other day to look for "treasures" as she put it. I think she harbors a fantasy about finding the Hope Diamond washed up on the shore of Lake Ontario. Judging by what was actually washed up on the beach, she shouldn't hold her breath. We did find some interesting pieces of drift wood. My mom found a plastic penguin, which she took to be a "sign" since she works at a pediatric office which uses a penguin logo.
We also found a dead seagull and a lot of dead fish.
These were not ordinary dead fish. When the fish were alive, they would probably be the length of my arm or longer. In decay, they were nothing more than scales and skeleton... and teeth.
The teeth freaked my mom out.
"What fish have teeth?!?" she demanded, addressing her question to the remains on the beach.
"I don't know...maybe a muskie or some sort of carp," I responded for the fish.
"That is so gross." She said. " Stick your finger in the fish's mouth."
"I'm not sticking my finger in a dead fish's mouth!" I yelled.
Later that evening, as my husband and I sat down to watch
Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang, I received a phone call.
"Did you find out the name of the fish with teeth yet?" It was my mom. The idea of the fish with teeth was eating away at her.
"No, I forgot to do the web search."
"Well, I need to find out." She was a woman obsessed.
"Put Dad on," I said. "I'll give him the directions to do an image search."
According to my father, my mom was dissatisfied with his image search for the fish with teeth. Last night, at dinner, she brought it up again.
"There are barracudas in the lake," she said to my sister and her friends.
"NO, there isn't," I said.
"How do you know?" my mom retorted. "There could be barracudas."
"No, Mom. Barracudas are salt-water fish."
"How do you know? You never found out what lived in the lake. They are barracudas," she replied, sipping her coffee.
For more information on the fish in Lake Ontario, visit http://www.lakeontario.org/.
You will notice that barracuda ARE NOT listed on the website, but salmon are.
The Official Theme Song Lyrics
Amy wrote me about the theme song:
Hmmm... As I recall, there weren't a lot of lyrics to the "Life with Marlene" theme song, but I do remember it ends with "That's just life / With Marlene," and then she would jiggle her knee and say "Yeah" the way she does... Or maybe that could change from week to week, and sometimes say "Stuff" or "Thing"!
Marlene's Theory of Monster Movies
Since my husband has been working bell-to-bell over the past few days, I have been spending a lot of time with my mom. Yesterday was the third consecutive day of "airing" my mom out. It was a beautiful day--almost reached 60 degrees outside, which is unusual for Rochester in December. My mom wanted to walk on the beach and find "treasures", as she put it. "Treasures" is crap that washes up on the beach in the winter. Her phone call to me went something like this:
Mom: You wanna go to the beach and look for "treasures"?
Me: Okay...what treasures?
Mom: You know, stuff that washes up. Maybe there will be jewelry. Or tampon applicators.
Me: You're not gonna pick up the applicators, are you?
Mom: That stuff always washes up. Tampon applicators and condoms. People do things on their boats and throw that stuff overboard. I bet you five bucks we find tampon applicators.
Me: I know we'll find tampon applicators.
Mom: If we find a tampon applicator, you gotta give me five bucks.
Me: Mom, I know we will find tampon applicators. What's the point of the bet if I know I'm gonna lose?
Mom: If we find a tampon applicator, you owe me five bucks.
I picked her up two hours later. As we were driving down to the beach, she asked, "Did you ever see the movie,
Jeepers Creepers?"
I told her 'no'.
Mom: "It's scary, but the people in the movie are stupid. There is the brother and sister and they are coming home from college and this truck, this beat up truck, tries to run them off the road. And then they are stupid. They go and look. And they go to this place. And they're stupid because they should go home but they have to go and investigate. And the guy tries to get them at the place."
I'm still not sure what the movie is about.
Next up:
Marlene's Treasures
The Premise of "Life With Marlene"
My friend, Amy, said my mom could be the star of her own sitcom. Amy wanted to call it "Life With Marlene". It would feature the misadventures of my mom. Amy even thought of a theme song...it would be jazzy. I forgot the lyrics, perhaps Amy can email me with them.
Unfortunately, I have not the time nor money to produce such a sitcom. I do think my mom is worthy of celebritiy status. I can see the headlines of the National Enquirer- "Marlene Calls Parris Hilton 'Stupid'", "Marlene Goes on Spending Binge at Salvation Army", "Marlene's Obsession with Priest".
To make my mom an overnight celebrity, I decided to create a blog about her. Enjoy!
