The Big Announcement.
I took my mom to Pizzeria Uno's about a month ago to air her out. It was a typical Saturday: we planned on going to lunch and then maybe the thrift store, so Marlene could search for treasures. My mother found out something that day that I never intended to tell her about.
We were practically the only people in the restaurant. I think the first hurricane-Charley--had hit Florida, because I was watching coverage of the damage on the t.v. over the bar. We both ordered salads and pizzas. My mother was talking as we were eating our salads:
Mom: So Dr. Kaplan isn't taking any new patients. The practice is full right now.
Me: At all?
Mom: No.
Me: (disappointed) Oh.
Mom: Why? Are you pregnant?
I cannot lie to my mother. Actually, I shouldn't say that--I've lied to her plently of times. But this time, I broke down.
Me: Yeah. (Pause) . About eight weeks.
What happened next was probably the most interesting reaction I have ever seen to the news of a pregnancy. My mother opened her mouth. A chewed-up crouton and piece of lettuce fell out, right onto the front of her shirt. A single tear fell from the corner of her eye and ran down her face.
Mom: (choking, crying) Oh my god!
Me: Um...yeah.
Mom: (visibly crying) You make me feel old.
Me: I'm sorry.
Mom: (muttering to herself) I'm old now....wait, I'm too young to be a grandmother! I'm hardly old enough to be a mother.
At this time our pizza came.
As I ate, Marlene assured me that she would be able to get me and the baby into the pediatric practice where she works. However, she kept saying that she felt old and she was too young to be a grandmother.
After we paid for lunch, we got in the car to go to the store. "I'll probably be dead before the baby is born," she said, in a quiet, melodramatic tone of voice.
I was annoyed: "NO. The baby is gonna be born in March. You are not going to die before March."
"But I'm so old," she whined.
