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Life With Marlene

Promoting the celebrity status of my mother, Marlene

Monday, March 29, 2004

Marlene V. The Witnesses

I called my mother last Saturday morning to tell her I could not air her out that day. As we were catching up on the week's events, she told me that a group of Jehovah Witnesses had parked their car in front of her house.

Mom: Oh, shit. The Witnesses are here. (pause) I'm not going to answer the door.

Me: I don't like when they come to my house. I can never get them to leave.

Mom: I just don't answer the door. Ooh, there's a big fat one today. (pause) Did I tell you what happened to my blue nightgown?

Me: No, Mom, you didn't.
(Dear reader, you will remember the blue nightgown from a previous Life With Marlene entry. The nightgown is light blue with a picture of Garfield on the front. Since my mom has owned it for such a long time, it has the thickness of a Kleenex tissue.)

Mom: It has a big slit in the side of it! But I think I can get a few more wears out of it before it falls apart.

Me: Don't you think it's time to retire it? What happens if you walk the dog in it and it falls off?

Mom: (nonchalantly) I just hide behind the trees.

Me: But you are taking a risk. You never wear underwear and now your nightgown has a slit in it.

Mom: All the men are lining up to see me.

Me: I think they are running from you.

At this point in the conversation, I could hear the doorbell ring in the background.

Mom: (hushed voice) The Witnesses are here!

Me: I don't think they can hear you. You're in the kitchen- it's on the other side of the house.

Mom: (hushed voice) I tell ya, everyone's come by this morning. First the Boy Scouts are looking for clothes. Now the Witnesses are here.

Me: If you answer the door in your blue nightgown, I'm sure they'll never come back. They would figure the devil has hold of you.

Mom: God, can't these people leave? There's seven of them. There's a fat white man in his 50's, some black guy in his 20's, two white guys, two Hispanic women...oh there's some white woman. I bet she's the fat white guys wife.

Me: Oh.

Mom: They are totally playing the race card. (pause) Gigi Giorgi's coming down the street from softball practice- she has a bat. Maybe she'll beat the shit out of them.

Me: That's not too nice.

Mom: I got 'em figured out.

Me: I still say you shoulda answered the door in your nightgown. They would never bother you again. Of course, if you answered the door in your nightgown when the Boy Scouts came, you'd be in jail.

Mom: Yeah.

posted by Mark  # 3/29/2004 08:33:00 PM
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