Marlene V. The Dog
My mother is not domestic. Growing up, most of our dinner were pre-packaged or made from a box. Occasionally, my mother will get it in her head that she is Martha Stewart or Donna Reed. It is then we are in for a real treat.
Marlene called me on Sunday to inquire if I was going to be over for Superbowl. "I'm making somethin' in the crock pot with pineapple and carrot", she said.
When I told my husband this, he made a face and reminded me we were going over Dave and Amy's house.
I never did find out how the "thing in the crock pot" turned out.
I believe my mother is in recovery. She is suffering through the repercussions of a traumatic cooking incident that happened when I was in college.
I think it was during my junior year of college when I received the fateful phone call from Marlene. I could barely get a "hello" out when she went on an emotional tirade.
Mom: Do you know what she did!?!
Me: Who? What? (The only she I could think of was my sister).
Mom: The d-d-dog...she- (my mother was crying at this point).
Me: What did the dog do?
Mom: SHE ATE THE BREAD!!! SHE ATE THE SEVEN DAY BREAD!!
Me: What is seven-day bread?
Mom: It's the Amish bread! You put the mix in the bag and every day, you add something else to the stuff to make the bread. (Pause) Today was the sixth day! I just added the stuff this morning before work. And when I came home, the bag of dough was gone!
Me: Wow, you were cooking?
Mom: I was supposed to put it in the oven tomorrow---JESUS CHRIST! THE DOG IS THROWING UP!
I had the unappealing image in my mind of the dog sitting in the corner of the kitchen barfing up bread dough.
Mom: I CAN'T TALK NOW!! I gotta go.
She then hung up on me.
My mom claims this incident has put her off of being domestic. I think between the pineapple-carrot concoction and some other dishes, she is starting to recover. I do think she harbors some sort of anger against people who are successful in domesticity. She probably wants Martha Stewart to rot in prison. Let's face it: no dog ever ate Martha's bread.
